You are a heavy heart to carry

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I remember my mother as I go into the new year, this is worth publishing  again, I find it extremely healing. To whoever is reading this, may you also find your healing in my healing;

” because those who had died before they died, realize that there is no death.”

I love Florence and the Machine’s Heavy in your arms, this song has been my ringtone since god knows when. The song has really helped me deal with my grief, not that I think the artists intended it for that purpose but I have mourned with the song and I have found healing through its words.  First I apologize for taking liberties with the Heavy in your arms lyrics, then I will go ahead and use them for my convenience;

“She was a heavy heart to carry, her beloved was weighed down, her arms around my neck, her fingers laced to crown, she was a heavy heart to carry, her feet dragged across the ground…She is so heavy in my arms.”

Mother died in the winter of 2003 and it has always been my burden to carry her. It has always been a heavy burden to carry my dead mother’s memory: “her love had concrete feet, her love was an iron ball, wrapped around my ankles …” The love of the dead can be the iron ball that threatens to pull us under and kill the living with the dead. The guilt of the living over the dead is sometimes an unbearable burden to carry; I always felt that I had the responsibility to keep my mother alive. To use my own breath to replace that which she lost and it was never easy  to  accommodate her in my very petite 47 kilogram, 1.5 meter body for thirteen years.

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